Those Haynes Manuals-If you use one- this is guide is a must have

  SparkyJack 08:31 31 Jul 2012

This is the Ultimate User Manual

How to read Haynes manuals

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer a guidenticlockwise.

Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read the instructions before y guideou start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good plie guiders to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you. guide Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: An 3 year old could do this... so how did you manage to screw it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map o guidef the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. guide Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully... guide Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions.

Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. guide

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... guide Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer. guide

Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, exept what you need to do.

  Aitchbee 08:57 31 Jul 2012

"...Retain tiny spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?" "

Exactly what happened to me whilst 'servicing' my electric shaver...I know 'the tiny spring' is in the kitchen...somewhere.

A very funny guide.

  Quickbeam 09:00 31 Jul 2012

You service your shaver?

  Aitchbee 09:03 31 Jul 2012's now an open-top convertible...

  Quickbeam 09:09 31 Jul 2012

You should've used a smaller hammer.

  Aitchbee 09:12 31 Jul 2012

...I think the trajectory might have taken it behind the freezer in the corner...

  Quickbeam 09:22 31 Jul 2012

Be sure to wear a respirator for HFC protection and only use a good quality ice hammer when tackling the Hinterstoisser traverse.

  Aitchbee 09:26 31 Jul 2012

thanks QB...I'll send you a postcard when I get there.

  mole1944 09:27 31 Jul 2012

Love Haynes manuals in the past it has saved me a small fortune doing work on cars i've had. sadly cars now need so many specialist tools you can't do much diy on them,in my former life i was a parts advisor wuth a large motor manufacturer in luton so i know how specialist it is to service cars now.

  morddwyd 09:28 31 Jul 2012

Thank you.

I enjoyed that!

My specialist trade in the RAF used to get mocked because one of out manuals said "Tap lightly with a 14lb sledge", but the skill was in knowing what exactly was "lightly" and in knowing what to do if "lightly" didn't hack it!

  caccy 10:41 31 Jul 2012

Haynes "just remove/undo" Translation:- This will be the most difficult item to remove and will be destroyed in the process.

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