Put your wallet away. You can't spend your money with ridiculous abandon. Here are 10 utterly stupid and pointless, mega expensive gadgets that you can't afford. (See also: 12 most useless gadgets of all time: nauseating, crappy and downright silly technology.)
You're a tech fan with more money than sense. What should you buy? A Mac of course. But if you are truly wealthy, even once you have bought all of Apple's products you'll find you still have pocket change left over with which to slake your thirst for gadgets.
Ridiculous tech toys for the super rich take on several forms. There is the admittedly beautifully crafted but ultimately pointless audio kit. Then you find cameras that are beyond professional level, and aimed squarely at the megarich kid with pretensions at shutterbug glory. You can buy feature- and function-rich versions of everyday items such as PCs and - yes - toilets.
And then there are the blinged up nonsense tech toys, in which for a staggering amount of money you can have unsuitable materials such as gold and diamonds appended to perfectly functional computational kit. See if you can spot them in our round-up.
Get your wallet out and copper up. In no particular order, here are the 10 most ridiculously opulent, expensive and stupid gadgets you can't afford, replete with more bling than Mr T.
The 10 most ridiculously opulent, expensive and stupid gadgets you can't afford. (See also: 15 strange sights in Google Street View: Funniest Google Street View pictures.)
10. Super expensive gadgets: Kohler Numi toilet
The smallest room in the house can of course be the most important room in the house. And what better to crown your throneroom than with this - the world's most ludicrously expensive bog. The Kohler Numi toilet features a [ahem] motion-activated cover, what the manufacturer refers to as 'Advanced Bidet Functionality' and 'Integrated Air Dryer', heated seat and foot warmer, deoderizer and, er, music. And this prince amongst toilets will set you back only $6,500. Cheap for those that require advanced bidet functionality.
9. Super expensive gadgets: iPhone 5 Black Diamond smartphone
Skipping from the ridiculous but functional to the utterly pointless, for those who like to use money to show off money. The iPhone 5 Black Diamond is, well, an iPhone 5 in which the original aluminium chassis has been replaced with solid gold. Hand finished solid gold. Oh, and inset there's a flawless black single deep cut 26-ct diamond. Which is nice. This out of date handset will set you back just the £10,000,000. But you'll need to get a case for a fiver to protect your stupid investment. (See also: The 5 best places to wear Google Glass, the 5 worst places to wear Google Glass - and one on which we can't decide.)
8. Super expensive gadgets: Hart Audio D&W Aural Pleasure speakers
The world of audio is full of ridiculous expenditure, not limited to the gold-plated cable brigade who believe that audio is improved by replacing perfectly functional connectors of base metal with much more expensive ones. These people will buy a golden tin hat, if you let them. Further up the scale of expense are high-end amps and speakers, and they come no more high-end nor expensive than the Hart Audio D&W Aural Pleasure. For just £40,000 you can enjoy this solid bronze speaker casting that weighs 50KG. And, apparently, sounds quite good.
7. Super expensive gadgets: MWE Emporer 200 workstation PC
Welcome to planet bonkers, PC people. May you never leave. Here we have the ultimate in PC workstation comfort. The Emporer 200 is a hand built computer workstation featuring a touch screen control centre, air filtering system, light therapy, electric powered leather seat, up to 3 x 27in LED screens and what the manufacturer describes as breathtaking sound. All that for a price that would make even Apple blush: $50,000. (See also: 14 games you should be most excited about for 2014 & 2015: PS4, Xbox One, PC, Wii U.)
6. Super expensive gadgets: Hasselblad H4D-60 camera
Photographers spend money almost as much as audiophiles. The Hasselblad H4D-60 is a digital SLR camera. But not just any SLR. According to the manufacturer this baby offers 'the ultimate in digital medium-format image capture to professional commercial, studio, and fine art photographers'. How so? Well, it is built around a 60Mp, 40.2 x 53.7mm CCD image sensor with 16-bit colour. And it costs A$36,000 (just the £19,800).
5. Super expensive gadgets: Steinway Lyngdorf Model LS Concert home audio
But let's go back to real money and audio. Leading the race to part aurally obsessed fool with money are the audio gurus: company founders, always men, who have visions and design increasingly expensive audio kit, designed to make everything sound amazing. Here is what Peter Lyngdorf says about the Model LS Concert: "The Model LS Concert started out as a sketch in my notebook and was something I dreamt about creating for several years. The idea of combining a dipole speaker with the line source principle would allow me to create not only a truly unique and immensely powerful speaker, but something that aesthetically fills the room with its physical presence." The Steinway Lyngdorf Model LS Concert is a speaker set. Costs go a little something like this: speakers $190,000 per pair, amps $5,400 each, woofer boxes $4,200 each, Steinway Lyngdorf processor $18,400. So just $250,000 will get you a good sound in the living room.
4. Super expensive gadgets: Vertu Constellation smartphone
Wait, you're still using an iPhone? An Android? What are you, a peasant? Check out my smartphone. It's aesthetic and, er, you know, beautiful. And personalised. Oh, and I get lots of personal services. It's fancy looking. AND YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT. The Vertu Constellation is a smartphone. It costs £4,500. Personally I'd rather lord it over people by carrying around 50 Moto Gs. But each to their own.
3. Super expensive gadgets: Stax SR009 headphones
Back into the aurally charged megabucks world of audio, and the Stax SR009. These are, apparently, the best headphones in the world. They certainly look the part, and bearded chaps who listen to Pink Floyd and Hawkwind on original rare vinyl swear to me that they are. So there. The specs are certainly impressive with a frequency response of 5 - 42,000Hz, and impedance of 145k Ω. It's unlikely you'll ever have an audio source to justify these cans, but just in case they will cost you only $4,500. For both ears. (See also: Smartphones are evil: 11 weird Google Suggest results, and what they tell us about tech in 2014.)
2. Super expensive gadgets: Sony PS3 Supreme games console
To be honest we could fill this entire article with ridiculous products from Stuart Hughes. Here we find a gold PS3. That's it really. An out of date console made of gold. That costs £199,995. This country.
1. Super expensive gadgets: 24ct Gold & Diamond Edition Bang & Olufsen Bespoke Music Center
We'll finish in the always rich world of audio. Let's check in on those crazy dudes Bang and Olufsen. They're usually good for some awesome and expensive kit. Even better when that Midas of super-expensive tat Stuart Hughes gets involved. Discover, then, the B&O Bespoke Music Centre: audio kit from Bang and Olufsen, given the usual treatment by Mr Hughes team of designers. They have one trick, and they do it often: take a product, slap it in gold and diamonds. Sell it for a lot of money. In this case, £1,200,000. Which is entirely ridiculous, by any estimation. (See also: 7 coolest 3D-printed objects: Body parts, houses, camera lenses and even pizza.)