World Cup social

The 2014 World Cup is set to be the biggest event in social media history. So Tweet, Facebook and Instagram to your heart's content (face facts, Google+). Just make sure you avoid these five social pitfalls. (See also: Twitter - not news.) No, you are not a 'tactics' expert, and no-one wants to read your conspiracy theories.

1. You are talking about tactics

Face facts: you played for your school team a couple of times in the late 80s, and you occasionally don your plimsolls at a Goals Soccer Centre as a means of staying out of the pub. You are not, nor have you ever been, a deep-lying centre forward.

If you find yourself publicly and vehemently agreeing *or* disagreeing with Andy Townsend you are taking this way too seriously. Football is chaos, and the team that scores the most goals will win. If you must pontificate on tactics and personnel, do so in the pivacy of your own home. The world doesn't need to know your thoughts on how well Japan's zonal marking system is dealing with the Ivory Coast attack.

2. You are using official hashtags

The work of the devil. Yes to #WorldCup. A big thumbs up to #refspray and #massivefourthofficialinfoboard. But please, please don't encourage marketers to ruin social media with their promoted hashtags. #FryFutbol is currently the second biggest hashtag on Twitter. And it is an officially sanctioned McDonalds marketing plan. Don't encourage it. Please don't encourage it. (See also: 5 reasons why Facebook is just like any other 10-year-old.)

3. You missed a goal

The second screen is supposed to be your *second* screen. By all means flick through Twitter and Facebook if it enhances your enjoyment of a grim nil all draw. But if you are missing the action you are doing it wrong. It's time to put down the phone and go play outside.

4. You use the phrase 'soccer' without irony

Only one English-speaking person is allowed to talk about 'soccer', and that man is the mighty @usasoccerguy. He's taking the piss. Brilliantly. You are not. So it's 'football' or nothing. My esteemed colleague Jason Snell informs me that US soccer fans such as he can't say football for NFL reasons, so I am prepared to make an exception for residents of the former colonies.

5. You are supposed to be playing

Put the phone down Wayne, England expects.

See also: Why Broncos fans are better than Seahawks: A social data fight