is this a good employmnet contract...

  ronalddonald 13:08 01 Sep 2010

is this a good employment contract

The Joke of The Day
Work Jokes :: #4929
By pirjo hokkanen from USA.


We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.


Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.


All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25


This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.


This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.


Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.


Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.


It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

-- Management

  Brumas 14:56 01 Sep 2010

Fell out of my cot laughing at the original version of this! ;o}}

  ronalddonald 17:18 01 Sep 2010

I got a little worried. thanks goodness there still is a good sense of humour in the UK

  Brumas 17:46 01 Sep 2010

Whilst agreeing with you I must point out that in Bingalau’s case it was actually a tree, not a cot that he fell out of ;o}
This explains the phrase commonly used by ex-booties “Hit the BEECH”

  ronalddonald 13:20 02 Sep 2010

nice one Brumas nice one

  tullie 13:26 02 Sep 2010

Was quite funny when i first read it,several years ago.

  john 52 14:15 02 Sep 2010

I thought this may have been a new work directive issued by Dave and Nick :-)

  interzone55 14:32 02 Sep 2010

I do wish that when people repost emails like this in the UK they would think to replace the $ with £, and the word Vacation with Holiday and remove the reference to 4th July - we don't celebrate the dates we lost colonies.

Apart from that it was quite humorous for the few few times it was posted...

  Kevscar1 16:13 02 Sep 2010


Speak for yourself, I think we were right to get rid of all those who can't spell Valour and Centre right

  Forum Editor 19:16 02 Sep 2010

This has been around for years, and I imagine it was simply pasted from some site - not from an email, although I could be wrong. This kind of thing tends not to die, it just floats around the internet - probably for ever - with all the other space debris.

  Forum Editor 19:31 02 Sep 2010

Actually, it might be better to keep quiet about people spelling words correctly. 'Valour' originally derives from the Latin 'valor' (valere).

Regarding 'center' or 'centre' it might surprise you to learn that there are lots of centres in America, and quite a few centers in the UK. We borrowed 'centre' from the French, but we're not so fussy about some of the other words we also assimilated. The French Lettre is our letter, their Decembre is our December, and so on - there are lots more.

It's best not to get too anal about the way English is used elsewhere - much of what we proudly call English is actually 'borrowed' from the French, and we're quite happy to misspell words; we shouldn't be irritated if others do what we've done for centuries.

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