For Fruit Bat......

  VideoSentry 12:07 02 Nov 2007

A 98-year-old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing
enough to have it published in the Times...

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application for Contact Status that I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number that he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1 -- To make an appointment to see me.
2 -- To query a missing payment.
3 -- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 -- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 -- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 -- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7 -- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8 -- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
9 -- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU

  Clapton is God 12:25 02 Nov 2007

I note that your post is addressed to Fruit Bat.

Are the rest of us not permitted to read it?

  GANDALF <|:-)> 12:34 02 Nov 2007

Do you wish to marry fruit bat?


  Confab 12:36 02 Nov 2007

This one has been doing the rounds for a while.

At 98 and only been collecting a pension for 8 years and she has a mortgage and a loan – WOW.

A bit of imaginative writing methinks!

  Confab 12:38 02 Nov 2007

For one I have really lost the plot???

  VideoSentry 12:46 02 Nov 2007

Clapton is God- All are allowed ( Forum Rules )
GANDALF <|:-)> - Happily married (22 years ) Thanks anyway.
Confab- The old one's are the best, are they not?

  User-1159794 14:36 02 Nov 2007

Did she get her £30 back?

  conrail 16:22 02 Nov 2007

maybe the forum ed can start a new forum for items like these, you have all probably heard this one:
This is said to be a true story from a major word processor software producer's helpline. Supposedly, the help desk employee was fired; however, he apparently sued the organization for "Termination without Cause".

Here is the actual dialogue of that former Customer Support employee:

"Customer Support Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with your word processor software."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in the program, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a C: prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power outage ??? Aha !!! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Oh, yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!"

  Fruit Bat /\0/\ 16:46 02 Nov 2007


  Forum Editor 23:43 02 Nov 2007

and I don't think we want a thread full of them.Most of these stories have been doing the rounds for ages, and very few - if any - of them have any basis in fact.

This thread is now locked and can not be replied to.

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