Apple is to hold an iPhone 4 press conference about its phenomenally successful but rather troubled smartphone tomorrow, and everyone is wondering what it will say to appease the seething masses raging against its antennae reception problems.

We managed to get hold of a transcript of what Apple CEO Steve Jobs plans to tell the assembled press, and it looks like he’s weighing up a few options:

1. "You are all deluded. There are no problems. It’s a conspiracy by the spooks at Google to make Android look good in comparison. And those guys at BlackBerry, too – they’re definitely involved."

2. "OK, let’s do this slowly. You hold a phone like this. Not like that, you ham-fisted fool."

3. "Wipe your sweaty hands, you dirty scum."

4. "Look, let's just not mention the number 4 ever again."

5. "Sshhh, listen… If you all stop writing about how awful the iPhone 4 has turned out to be you can be first in line for the iPhone 4GS we’ll be rushing out before Christmas."

6. "Bluetooth headsets are cool, right?"

7. "We’ve sold 4 million of the new iPhone, and only a few thousand websites have complained about anything."

8. "Everybody look under their chair - yes, even those watching via the Macworld live blog – there’s a free iPhone bumper stuck to the bottom."

9. "We’ve decided the software update won’t remove those pesky bars. We’re going to add another five so that you’ll have a bunch even if you’re calling from a submarine."

10. "If you get two iPhones and tie a piece of string between them…'

11. "Ask bloody David Pogue what to do. He seems to think he knows everything."

12. "You mean you were even just thinking about Adobe Flash at the time?"

13. "We're not BP."

14. "Hey, it's practically the weekend!"

15. "It's a good job we made the iPhone 4 so easy to recycle."

16. "That's the trouble with magical things. Unpredictable."

17. "Can you believe what those idiots at AT&T did?"

18. "Jonathan Ive isn't American???"

19. "There's an App-pology for that."

20. "We’re really sorry. We goofed. We’ll replace your handset if you all form an orderly queue at your local Apple Store. Oh, and One More Thing … The Beatles are on iTunes!"

Apple iPhone 4 review

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