You've heard of watching paint dry or wood warp. Well, now you can watch cheese mature. Log on to cheddarvision.tv and you can join the 1.5 million fans anxious to catch the latest from the Big Cheese House. The star of the show is Wedginald, a 44lb (20kg) Somerset Cheddar. In fact he's the only star, as that is all you can see.
Last week the whole cheese community was abuzz with excitement. The viewing figures went through the roof when the cheese went through a crucial grading process. Tom Calmer, Wedginald's Krafty creator conducted the 'grading' by taking samples and checking them for taste and quality.
There was a huge sigh of Brielief all round when it was announced that Wedginald had matured outstandingly well.
The cheese has, according to a spokesman, "a caramel nose, a sweet twiggy greenness and a creamy good length of flavour". Calmer went one Feta by calling it "lemony, with a certain spritziness". Wedginald will reach full maturation in three months when he will be auctioned off.
Swiss is ridiculous. Why not just Mask a Pony as well for Gouda measure?